I grew up in a small environment to which I call a small town to, but in official terms it is probably not that small. However, and since I went studying and work to larger cities after High School, I’ve always referred to my town as a small town (20,000 people). In a town of this size almost everybody knows everybody. And if you don’t know someone, you “have an idea”. When someone was upset with me, I would go up to them ask “What’s going on?” Everybody knew who I was and everybody knows my dad and because I was a good student while in school people respected me. It is hurtful for me to have people upset with me, treating me oddly, even more when I do not know why. Almost every problem has been solved. I solved them my way.
I’ve never dealt with celebrities. I’ve never seen one until finishing High School. The first time I saw a celebrity was in my University, a professor that used to speak on TV. WOW! That person is always on the big screen and now he is right here in front of me! I almost cried. For people in the city where I went to study in (2,000,000 people size more or less) it was nothing. I guess I’m from the country. I found that event highly inspirational. It motivated me so much to see that people in TV are just like us, that perhaps one day who knows we too can be known for doing something prestigious and glorious. It brought me so much hope! I grew up being told that we were not like those people. That we would never be. Academic celebrities are easy for me to deal with, specially in physics. We all thought alike. There is this wide space between people in physics but at the same time we can all count on each others. I enjoyed a lot then becoming one important person in that city as well, representing my degree and peers in physics assemblies, and conferences, speaking and writing as their president (I was elected by vast majority with only few votes against – around 500 physics students – 350 more or less went voting – 325 voted for me the rest of them for the other candidate). To me it was a big victory and accomplishment. I cried all my way home. My friends cheering me up, congratulating me and I was crying non stop. I had a lot of dreams for us. And I made them happen. For a town girl it was a big thing. I never imagined being president of anything in life, I was always told that was not for me or for none of us.
My first contact with the entertainment industry was through a rap page I’ve started on Facebook to support my favorite rapper’s legacy: 2pac. It gathered more than 255,000 people in two years, something I’ve never done before. That number of people around me and people who liked me and my work was something very dear to me. I loved it so. I never had anyone from my own page disrespecting me. The only ones who did were not a part of it. Quickly I realized that there was some hostile feelings toward / about me from people not on my page. I never truly understood them. I have asked quite often about these but I’ve never received a response. This has been perhaps the most puzzling thing in my whole life. People don’t say. Wow! So why exactly don’t you like me?
Maybe I will never know. But that wasn’t the worst part to it. The worst part was really the bullying. Females outside of my page called me everything you can imagine. For no reason. Maybe because I’m a mixed Latin. Maybe because I have some type of accent. Maybe… Maybe… Maybe… I don’t know. I have never been bullied in my life before and what truly hurt was that some of it was done by people I admired, I looked up to. In my mind I was thinking “Hey I like you! I listen to your songs! Why don’t you like me? Why do you say these things? What have I done to you?” I’ve written quite a lot about it but still I never heard about any interest from the part of any of them to solve this issue, instead I’ve observed some patterns and behaviors have worsened which made me realize that me speaking about it was even worse as if giving them the allowance to feel important because I was expressing I was hurt by their behavior.
As you see, I am not this way, I don’t use people’s hurt against them, even though I know I could. It was very claustrophobic to me, I need a lot of space in life. Even in relationships I need space. I’m not the clingy type, I need space to go my way, to do things on my own. So, you can imagine how oppressive this environment was for me. I was feeling controlled. As soon as I posted I had these people posting after. Let me explain.
At the beginning I was happy about it. I thought “wow, this person likes my work! wow, maybe one day I can work with this person!” but the behaviors and captions, and feelings and energy were not friendly. And that was where my confusion was. When I don’t like someone I go the other way. Don’t take me wrong, if I don’t like someone I have no interest in their life. I wish them well away from me. I will cross the street to avoid looking weird or having to see someone I don’t like. But here the opposite happens. People who don’t like you or your work, stalk you online as control freaks and oppress you with their presence to the point you cannot breathe. I left. It was too much for me. No regrets.
I have last year decided to pursue my writing career and making it happen my own way and by my own means. All people who know me know I have always been interested in politics. Because well… I’m a philosopher. Philosophy and politics are close friends, I should actually say cousins. I soon realized there’s a lot of people interested in politicians for the most various reasons. Some for work reasons, you can include me in that group, others for other type of reasons that resemble stories we hear about politicians that we refuse to believe in. Maybe those stories are true… Who knows? I’ve always been a little naif (Town girl problems) so what to do?
Truth is when I noticed some of these prestigious people knew about me I felt truly happy. Just like when I saw for the first time a celebrity in front of me in college. I was radiant. I was so happy! Maybe they like my ideas! Maybe they enjoy reading me! And what is best than having people enjoying your writing, when you are a writer? But the behaviors and actions at times didn’t match up. So I have decided that it was best to go my way. So far so good, I mean you just go your way and people let you.
I studied in an University with a majority of male professors. Very respectful and I am used to people changing directions without bothering others since little. If we didn’t get along with a professor, when we no longer had him as a professor we (students) would move on. Let him be. And he would do the same. It is frankly puzzling that environments with a lot of women are fairly different. Some just don’t move on. They stalk you to no end, don’t want to solve emotional hostility and perpetuate an ongoing problematic behavior and mean actions toward that one person they don’t like for whatever reason.
WOW! I am not motivated by control and hate, and life has taught me that when people do not want to solve problems after you’ve tried solving them a lot of times, you have to solve them within you. I don’t like problems. That’s why maybe I love solving them.
All the female hostility is because of attention. So I’ve decided to solve it quick and fast. I’ll voluntarily refrain from posting at hours when I can interfere with the “spotlight” of certain individuals so they can feel loved when given attention to and desired by all. It’s amazing what women do for male’s attention. I never cared for all males attention in emotional terms, I’m a very passionate person, when I like someone I want that person’s attention only. This interest some females show in all men around is somewhat confusing to me, maybe I’m a little conservative in that. Old fashioned perhaps. I don’t know, but I’m not here to judge them either. I do not see any similarity in what I do and in what they do for a professional competition to take place. I am not, by principle, available for a personal competition. Much less for a romantic one… ??? Huh? It is all so confusing. I’ve studied physics. This is a mess. We need some boundaries in all this mess.
need to be VERY WELL defined for me please. No, they do not mix! What type of interest is your interest in me? I do not mix subjects. Never did and never will. In my University and degree there were clear defined boundaries between all of these subjects and no one would cross them. So, it has been very confusing for me trying to figure out what exactly some people want from me? I don’t know, Maybe I never will. People don’t say. Which is quite frustrating for me. I love verbal people and people who talk about everything and want to find solutions, but I find myself alone in this intent. No worries. I will solve it within myself. And at the moment, this is the best I can offer.
I hope we have a good deal here and a solution. I’m not one to thrive in “mean girls” environments. Also, to make it clear to all I’m on social media to share about my writing and other things I do, I’m not interested in ongoing flirting or related. As you all see speaking about feelings is fairly easy to me. Also I get along with people who behave in similar fashion. I don’t intend to play games of mean actions toward each others simply because people prefer to act that way over truly solving what is there.
I do love communication & to communicate. It’s my work. I see though that at times people interpret it differently with different intentions than the ones I have. Writing & speaking are my crafts. However in no way I intend in perpetuating any type of hostility. I hope it’s solved. I must say however that as far as I know about emotions I’m forecasting certain individuals will get bored quite fast and start waiting for me to post to poke for a competition. I truly do not know why certain ladies are so eager to compete with me. There’s many ladies out there interested in competing, I’m not one of them. So I’ll leave this here because I want people to know I’ve written this. People who are bored in life want to play. Fair enough. I understand. But some do not want to play. The solution is fairly simple. It consists in finding other people who want to play as well and play with them. At the moment I’m not interested in “playing” with anyone with more following than me. Please choose someone at your level of influence to play with. We all see the back and forth, many times men just want to and compete with each others for fun. They do not see however that many times, women couldn’t care less about them and are invested in competing with other women over a guy (any guy) to feel better than them, more than them, prettier than them… It is easy to know who those are, they change to a new supposed “interest” after we have changed idols 😀 I’ve been trying to find new idols in life and have hoes after me trying to hit on them god knows why…
I won’t lie. I have had one or two crushes online on people who speak eloquently and amuse my ears, but I realized I was wasting my time and making myself available to be played like a game. I hated that feeling. I got to seriously talk to myself and removed that emotion from my heart. I want to focus on work only. It is what it is. My mom taught me we can’t expect men to respect us, cause it’s convenient to them not to. We are the ones who must respect ourselves and be deserving of respect for them to respect us. I see some females playing games for a long time, but they never get anywhere. It seems to me that it is not their interest to choose and move on with it, but simply dwell in the indecision forever = game. It seems to me they just do not have nothing else to do and seek for some emotional entertainment. I don’t know. Why do people play games? Because they’re bored mainly, perhaps here the same happens. I think this has been the most ethical way for me to solving this problem and protecting my brand and persona. I don’t want any type of problems much less games in my life. I’m not looking for a husband online, much less for one night stands, so I solved all this mess with a new behavior that I will follow through until further notice. I’m a binary person, with strict boundaries. I need definitions to happily live. I know these people enjoy living the way they do, so I feel I do not belong among them. Maybe my family was right, and it is just not my environment. I just wanted to be motivated, useful. I just wanted to learn. But the emotional games are not for me. I feel better among people who are simpler and who like me and what I do. I write for them.
Without further more at the moment, best regards ☀️✨
If you are a female reading this unrelated to all this crappy confusion now solved on my end, and you dig my writing and want to work with me, tell me 🙂 I’ll be super happy to work with you and I promise you I’ll never put men above you! I don’t care for seduction. I’m a more practical person. I can swear to you I will never hit on your love interest either! I know that’s a generalized fear all of us women have 🙂
I just want to work and do dope things 😀 I love writing! 🙂
Thank you for reading me! 🙂